Stacey

There was a time in my life when I worked in the domestic violence department at a county courthouse. My job was to look up to see if the person coming in to file a restraining order had any other cases against the same abuser. If so, we made sure the same judge was assigned since, presumably, that judge knew the history. I would get so frustrated when the same women would come in to file restraining orders against the same men over and over and over again. I wanted to slap them myself and say, “Wake up! You deserve better! Why do you stay?” But I didn’t. I just processed the paperwork and moved on to the next one.

Then it happened to me. Anyone who knows me, and didn’t know me then finds it hard to believe that I was ever a victim of abuse. The relationship didn’t start out abusive. They never do. If abusers showed their true colors on the first date, no one would ever fall victim to them. He was charming. He was attractive. He was self-confident. He was chivalrous. And then he wasn’t.

It happened gradually at first. An unkind word here or there. An object thrown at the wall in anger in the heat of an argument. The profuse apologies and promises after the fact. You want so desperately to believe him. Because if you can’t, then it means you made a monumental error in judgment. Except you didn’t. But you can’t see that at this point. That comes later.

After the verbal abuse starts, the isolation starts. An abuser can’t be completely successful if you still have a support system. It starts with your friends. Gradually, he isolates them from you one by one. The phone calls lessen, the girls’ nights out stop. Then he moves onto isolating you from your family. Before you realize what is happening, your support system is virtually non-existent. Everyone can see what is happening but you.

Once he has you cut off from friends and family, the abuse ramps up in intensity. This is when he repeats to you every day for two years that nobody will ever love you. That you’re fat, lazy and lousy in bed. That no one will ever want you. Deep down, the person you used to be knows these things aren’t true. Hearing these hateful words everyday for two years from the person who is supposed to love you has taken its toll though. Part of you starts to believe it.

Then, when it starts getting really bad, the accusations start flying. He starts timing you when you go to the grocery store. If you’re gone too long, you must have been cheating on him. Never mind that he’s the only one cheating in this relationship with every female that looks in his direction and shows even a hint of interest. He has put the fear of God in you and you don’t dare do something as disobedient as sleeping with someone else. Even if you thought you could find someone who would want to sleep with your no-good, fat, lazy self-loathing self, you have no doubt that if you did and he found out, he will kill you.

At this point, your self esteem is gone. Completely. You are broken. A shell of your former self. There seems to be no way out. He controls everything; including the finances. Stuck. Desperate. Hopeless. You stay because you’re afraid of what will happen if you leave. Besides, where would you go? He’s alienated you from your friends and family.

Then one day he crosses the line. The verbal and emotional abuse turns physical. You have a baby. You know you have to get out. Things will never change. You reach out to past friends, but so many are just tired of dealing with the roller coaster that is your marriage. But there are a few who are still there. You get out. You call your mother and she helps.

The above is my story. I tell it because it’s important that others who are in this situation realize that being treated this way isn’t ok. Someone who has never been in an abusive relationship can’t fathom how anyone could stay in one. The abusers are masterful manipulators. They eat away at everything until you are completely dependent on them and too afraid to leave. You want to believe that they mean it when they apologize and promise it will never happen again. I didn’t want to believe that I had made such a monumental error in judgment with him.

Through therapy I learned several things. One of which is that it wasn’t so much an error in judgment on my part. He showed me who he wanted me to see. He knew I’d never fall for him if he was his true, abusive self. That’s what all abusers do. They have to lure women in somehow. They portray themselves as wonderful, caring men. You believe what is presented to you.

Anyone going or having gone through an abusive relationship absolutely should consider counseling. It saved my life. I truly don’t think I would have been able to overcome the emotional issues that relationship left me with. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe having lived through that hell that I’m a better person because of it. It has taught me to never settle. I have forgiven him for what he did to me, but I will never forget. I don’t want to forget. Because of what I’ve gone through, I will never let myself be put in that situation again. I’ve reclaimed the power over my own life.

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Stacey writes at Sometimes Meaningful Ramblings.

Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.

59 Comments | April 12, 2010 | Filed Under domestic violence, survivor story

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Melanie

I coud have written this myself, although i am still to afraid to get out. He will always be in my life because we have a child. I dont feel protected by the law enough to get out right now but I do feel better knowing im not the only one going through this.

Stacey

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