SooperMom2008

I met the man of my dreams at church. He was charming, attentive and had similar life goals as myself. He attended church, went to small group and attended Seminary. He was romantic. When he looked at me, it seemed to be with genuine adoration. It was nice to be loved for who I was!

Finally, our conversations began to turn towards marriage. The romantic proposal took place in the perfect setting and, of course, I said YES! Our wedding was beautiful…. although not everything I’d ever imagined as a little girl. On our way out of the parking lot, everything changed. He was angry. Our honeymoon lacked the mix of tenderness and fun that I had anticipated. There was no longer a sparkle in his eye or admiration in his look.

From then on, things went downhill. From the very beginning he sexually abused me multiple times a week, sometimes more than once a day and many times after he had not showered for four or five days.

He would make fun of me if I cried, getting in my face and calling me a baby or mocking my cries.

He would play mind games with me, telling me that he wanted me to be more aggressive and “sexy” during sex but, when I would try to initiate, he would turn me down and walk away. About three months after we were married, he told me to quit telling him that I loved him because it made him feel like he had to say it back.

He treated me like a servant, getting angry if no housework was done while he was at work. He would blow snot onto the couch, carpet, walls or at me, my pillow, etc. On top of this, he made fun of my background and upbringing. He was constantly saying that if he hadn’t married me he would be wealthy.

A honeymoon pregnancy and partial bed-rest didn’t stop the abuse. Everything continued and even escalated over time. He slapped me on the cheek, smiled and peered around to see if it had left a mark. He continued to get angry if the housework wasn’t done, despite the fact that I wasn’t supposed to do it. To top everything off, I had now become a victim of marital rape on several occasions.

His anger was sporadic and explosive. I kept telling him that something had to change. If I tried to leave the house when he was upset (making me cry and shaken) he would grab my arms, stand in the door way and hide my car keys. He would make fun of me, ignore me, disregard my feelings and make everything my fault. He would raise his hand to hit me and I would recoil.

Our son was born and post-birth life was even worse than before. My husband wanted nothing to do with the baby. I felt completely alone in taking care of him. Our son was very sick the first couple weeks and, when he would cry, my husband would jolt him and scream in his face to “SHUT UP!” The few times he carried him, he carried our son around by the front of his clothes. Once, he got angry at a football game and punched a hole in the wall.

Just a few weeks after our son was born, my husband raped me out of a much-needed nap.

About a month later, he told me that he had been addicted to pornography. He said that’s what had been fueling his anger. We talked for a while and he seemed genuine. But… thirty minutes later, he wanted sex.

I was in and out of the ER with stress-induced anxiety attacks.

In public, my husband was the perfect husband and father. Behind closed doors, life was hell. Those precious few moments where I saw a glimmer of my pre-married life kept me hoping that things would change and I’d have the man I married back. I have since discovered that people only change who are willing to admit that there is a problem.

After a year in hiding, I am now divorced, have a great job and love being a mom. My son is my life, the sun in my universe and the reason I get out of bed every morning. As a survivor, I am special and I can now live every moment knowing that as a fact! My goal is to encourage victims and survivors to do the same!

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Soopermom2008 writes at Fifth Business. She is currently launching a ministry to present her story, raise awareness, and educate churches in her area on effectively dealing with domestic violence.

Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.

37 Comments | August 31, 2010 | Filed Under domestic violence, rape, sexual abuse, survivor story

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cbb

First of all, I am very sorry and saddened to read this. You had some of the worst luck I have seen in these cases. However, I want to congratulate you on making the best of it, the end of your story was inspiring!

From a young (never married) man's perspective, I always wonder what happens to these men. He changed awfully fast, about 20x as fast as most abusive men do. Did he have a mental health issue that caused this? How could someone change that fast, was marriage really THAT bad? If you can provide any insight to this, please let me know.

I worry every day that I could become a man like that, because I don't understand how it happens. I pray that I don't though- I want to be a real man, the best I can be. And in my opinion, a real man knows how to treat a woman like she should be treated, before and throughout marriage. I also pray for your future as well as other women going through this.

Best wishes!

SooperMom2008

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