Nickie
I was six.
I didn’t know that there was anything wrong with it; I was too young to know it was wrong. He was a prominent figure in my life, and I trusted him.
I trusted him.
He started slowly, making sure he didn’t abuse my trust. I didn’t know it wasn’t supposed to be happening. I thought it was normal. I had no way of knowing it wasn’t.
He gained my trust. Then shattered it.
Time went on. It went on. I didn’t know it shouldn’t be going on. I didn’t know it was the wrong kind of attention. I thought it meant he loved me. He wasn’t hurting me. So I thought it was okay.
It wasn’t okay.
I was too young to know the damage he was doing to me mentally. It went on. I didn’t say no. I didn’t know I could say no.
By the time I was a preteen, I was too ashamed to tell. I had a feeling it was wrong. But I thought it was my fault because I had allowed it to happen. I was ashamed because it felt good. What he was doing to me felt good. Obviously I was bad and was asking for it because it felt good.
His secret became my secret.
I lived with this secret until I was 14 years old. I lived with the shame until I was in my 30s. I didn’t know I was torturing myself without reason. I felt shame because as a child, a young child who knew nothing about sex, I enjoyed the physical feelings he gave me. I didn’t know that I had no control over those physical feelings. I didn’t know that I had those feelings because he was an adult who knew what he was doing and knew how to create those feelings. I didn’t know that he was using those feelings to further his agenda. I was too young to know.
It took many years for me to finally admit that… to finally admit that while being molested it felt good. Of course it did, he was a grown man who knew about sexual stimulation and he knew what to do. I didn’t. I was a child who wasn’t being ‘hurt’ and it ‘felt good’ so how was I supposed to know it wasn’t my fault?
The feelings of shame nearly destroyed me. Living with nine years of being molested on a near constant basis didn’t. I survived that. I moved on from that. I couldn’t move on from the shame.
I was so ashamed.
It has been over 20 years since I stopped keeping his secret. I’m not ashamed any more. I know it wasn’t my fault. I know it wasn’t anything I had any control over. I was a child. He was the adult. I did nothing wrong. I wasn’t a bad girl because he made it feel good. I wasn’t asking for it because he made it feel good. He took advantage of my innocence. He was in control. And I am not ashamed.
I refuse to be a victim.
I will not allow myself to be a victim– of him or of myself. I am not a victim of abuse. I am a survivor. I am not a victim of my own turmoil and shame. I am a survivor. I will not let this nine year even define who I am. I am stronger than that. I have beaten it. It did not beat me. I have won. It does not control me. He does not control me.
I am at peace.
I have come to terms with my childhood. I have forgiven all that needed to be forgiven. And I have let it go. It no longer has a hold on me, not even a tiny one. I can talk about it- it doesn’t bother me. I can write about it- it doesn’t bother me. My 30 year struggle is over. I am completely at peace.
And the cycle is broken.
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Nickie writes at Southern Expressions.
Thank you for visiting Violence UnSilenced, a speak-out platform for survivors of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and sexual abuse. If you are a survivor and it is safe to do so, we encourage you to share your story here. If you are not a survivor but you want to support those who are, please click around this site and find out more about what you can do.
Comments
Amen, Nickie! What a powerful testimony. Congratulations on your victory.
You are strong and brave. Thank you for sharing.
If happened to me, too. I still have the secret. I am proud of you for your courage and bravery. It angers me that my sexuality is damaged now because of HIS needs to harm a child. Best wishes to you. Keep on healing and growing!
I am honored to be a part your process of healing...simply as your witness....I am here and thank you for the opportunity to connect!
Self-forgiveness and letting go of shame is a beautiful, powerful feat. It is inspiring to read you are at peace. I hope those who could be helped by reading this post find their way here.
Nickie : Violence UnSilenced http://ff.im/-r1Yzu
This is so well written. Thank you for having the strength to share your story. I know that it will bring comfort to those in the same situation to know that they're not alone.
Keep speaking out if it feels safe for you to do so. The world can use your truth.
You are very brave to tell your story.I am just now breaking the cycle.your words comfort me in knowing i too will be at peace one day. thank you.
I cannot imagine what that was like for you, but shame is something I am all too familiar with. Good for you for overcoming your pain.
Good for you! Thanks for sharing, and for surviving.
So brave. I am so proud of you for being at peace and being able to talk about it...thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your courage to be a survivor. Your story is amazing.
This was my first visit to this site, and this was the first post I read. It is all too familiar. Thank you for sharing your story.
The words of my heart!!!!
I am completely at Peace.
And the Cycle is Broken.
My wish for anyone whom has suffered under the psychological harm that is put upon them by adults, is that they feel the freedom of forgiveness of oneself. To be at peace in your own heart, makes it easier to withstand all storms that may come your way.
I am completely at Peace!!!!!
The Cycle is Broken!!!!!
Amen! You are where you are now only because you put yourself there ... something you didn't have the option of doing the first time.
Nickie : Violence UnSilenced http://ff.im/-qyeIX
Powerfully written. Thank you for sharing...and so happy to hear you are at peace. I wish you continued luck on your life journey.
Finding peace after trust has been broken can be so difficult.... I am so glad to hear you were able to do it. You are a true survivor. Prayers for calm, peace and self-love.....
Wow you have taken my breath away! Thank you so much for sharing your survival story, I believe this will help others so very much. I am proud of you and admire you for your strength. I wish you lasting peace and happiness xo
I was shocked by my father’s answer to my admission. We were waiting to go to the police station to report my abuser. My dad asked me if the sex felt good. I shamefully admitted that yes, it did. My dad said, “Good.”
Good? We were about to report a man to the authorities for abusing me sexually and my father was telling me that the fact that the sex felt good was good? (Here’s just one of the many examples of how children are emotionally unprepared to be sexually active.) Then dad said, “If the sex was hurting you and you kept going back for more, I would be concerned.” It was poorly stated, but I knew what he meant both then and now.
Part of the horrible consequences left behind by our abusers is a lingering conflict over why something so wrong often felt so good.
You are 100% not guilty for what was done to you. Your abuser is 100% guilty for what he did to you. I think you know that. I am glad that you are at peace with the events of your life. I know from experience. It is a good place to be.
Nickie,
Your story is so important for others to hear. We warn children of "stranger danger" and "bad touch" but so often as in your case (and mine) that's not the way it works. Abusers are clever, patient, manipulative. I've met so many women who have had the same experience who wrack themselves with guilt because they didn't stop it, or because it felt good. It felt good because that's how the human body is designed, even if we didn't understand what that even meant.
I applaud your courage and strength to heal from the manipulation and abuse, I'm certain your story will reach, and help, others.
Peace and Blessings,
Jenny
Good for you! You are not a victim. You have no reason to be ashamed. It's his secret, not yours. His burden.
Yes, it is very hard to admit that something felt good once you know the truth. I am glad you were able to break the silence. That manipulation is just as evil an aspect of sexual abuse as the physical pain that many victims are put through. It all stems from the same vile source. Thankyou for speaking out.
This is such a beautiful post. So raw, open, and vulnerable.
By sharing your feelings you help others to see that they are not screwed up for feeling the way they did.
This is a wonderful gift you are giving the universe. And yourself.
Your strength is awe-inspiring, Nickie. And not just amazing is that you've been able to move (and come) forward with this knowledge... there will be a butterfly effect of others who will read your words, feeling their own shame, never having really realized that it wasn't their fault that they didn't say no, or vomit, or inherently know it was wrong. People need to know that, so much. Thank you for sharing.
You are strong. But what horror to go through, I am continuously amazed by how cruel and animalistic humans can be.
Thank you for sharing your voice
That was courageously honest.
you speak a truth that is hard to speak and hard to hear. It takes courage and strength. Thank you for sharing yours with us. Peace
Amazing! Thanks so much for your voice.
You are strong and amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.
Thank you for writing this. Making peace... that's a powerful, powerful thing. You are an inspiration.
Thank you, so much, for sharing this.
You are beautiful and amazing. Thank you for sharing!
you are not a victim, you are a victor.
You are a strong, beautiful woman. Good for you for sharing your story. Your words will give comfort and hope to so many people. I hope you can continue to beat the sickness that you were given. Shame is a sickness that only you can control.
Nickie, it is so difficult to share something like this. I hope this frees you even more. You have courage and you might help someone else find the strength to deal with their secret.
Carol-the gardener
Your words are so powerful, beautiful, and amazing.
Even though I don't know you, I am so proud of you for how far you've come.
Thank you - your words are going to help someone who is still in the cycle.
Hi Nickie, Good for you for putting the blame where it belongs, and for telling the truth and taking back your power! God Bless, Jamie Rae
I wasn't sexually molested. I was mentally and physically abused by a schizophrenic mother with an only child completely under her control. I'm 36. I'm still not over it. I did made a breakthrough in therapy about a year ago, admitting I hated her. You aren't supposed to hate your mother, right? I felt like a terrible person. Thank you for your story. Maybe someday I'll be able to let mine go.
Nickie,
You are a brave and beautiful soul. This is so completely NOT your fault...
Thank you for sharing your story.
[...] my story with the world (or at least the world wide web). Today, you can read a small part of my story, my struggle, at Violence Unsilenced. Let me give you a brief history of how I came to this [...]