KM
I was sexually abused over a period of three years starting when I was 11.The scum who hurt me was my father’s best friend, and a totally trusted frequent visitor in our home.
He hurt me physically. He hurt me emotionally. He threatened me. He made me believe that I didn’t matter–and because I didn’t matter and he did, nobody would listen to me if I told anyone what was happening. I felt like I was nothing. I was taking up space that might be better used by someone else. I wanted to die.
I didn’t tell anyone what happened to me until my mom died unexpectedly. I was 44-years-old.
My reaction to her death was a surprise; I had a nervous breakdown. I ended up in counseling, and over the following year I discovered the true impact being sexually and mentally abused over 30 years earlier had on me. Most importantly, I discovered why I never told my parents or anyone close to me what happened. In a nutshell, I was afraid that they would not react or say the things I really needed and wanted them to do and say to me. I had two big fears; one was that they would blame me, the other that they knew what was happening and didn’t do anything about it. Those possibilities were paralyzing for me.
Between the time the abuse ended and when my mom died I went on with my life. I didn’t follow the typical behavior patterns of abused girls (risky behavior, early and many relationships with men, substance abuse – well, I do abuse chocolate). I was a good kid, well liked by adults and peers, a bit rebellious in an okay way; always the class clown and very much alone with my horrible secret. I also worked hard to separate myself from my family. After all, if they loved me they would have protected me. I felt like I didn’t belong in my family, I was different.
I surrounded myself with activities where I felt safe (mainly Camp Fire, a youth development agency similar to Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts) and I preferred the company of families that made me feel safe and accepted me being me. Thinking back, I can’t guarantee I was really being me then or if I was just looking for adults who were my idea of the kind of adult I wanted to become. Maybe they were adults who wanted me to be who I wanted to be. I always looked for ways I was different from my family, and I wanted to be better than my family.
The strange thing is that I really didn’t have a bad family. I guess I needed to think about my family in the negative so I had an excuse for what happened to me. When I think about it now I think I was inventing myself as I went along and somehow I managed to become a person I am happy with. The more time that passed, the less I identified with the abused girl–but the scars were still there.
I was always amazed that my parents never asked me why I set myself apart from the family and I have no idea if I ever would have told them had they asked. However, through counseling, I learned that my choice not to tell my family about what happened to me and my desire to stay away from my family was really me satisfying my need for some control in my life. My actions kept me at the center of their attention (so I assumed) because they were constantly trying to figure out why I made the choice to separate myself from them. Whenever I was around them everyone walked on eggshells, afraid to do or say anything that might put me off and hence, keep me away more. Deep down I think I wanted them to hurt because I hurt.
When I finally spoke out after my mother’s death, the first person I told was my therapist. I have only talked about it with two of my four sisters–no other family members. My sisters’ reactions were very disappointing. One told me that I needed to “get over it” and the other said I would hurt my dad if I told him. I did finally tell my best friend (55 years and counting) who was shocked. I use my story when I think it may help others.
I do know that, because of my choices, my parents did not see me graduate from either high school or college; my daughter did not get to know her grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins; I found out my mom was terminally ill only nine days before she died; and I let a lot of years go by that I can never get back.
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Comments
How horrid that your sisters dismissed it. I guess you knew, deep down, all along that they wouldn't give you the responses you needed and that it was better staying distanced from them. I'm sorry, for all of it. Thank you for sharing.
I'm sorry that you to go through all that by yourself. Your sisters may be having that reaction for other reasons(I'm not defending them, just throwing it out) You are very strong and brave to have put your story out there. Hugs to you.
Thank you for having the courage to survive and to tell your story. What Kori said above, "it makes me really sad that even now you seem to be carrying the burden of your estrangement on your shoulders" is exactly what I've been thinking. Not knowing your entire situation, it seems odd to me that your family would simply accept your putting yourself apart and not realize something was wrong or just be willing to let you go, which it seems to me is what they did. I hope you are able to find peace and closure. Much love to you.
Many people dismiss these things when they are told, because it makes it easier for them to live in denial. I am sorry you had to go through it again.
Blessings.
your sisters' reactions were reprehensible. i am sorry.
Many hugs to you for coming here, being brave and letting it all out there. It is sad that your sisters reacted the way that they did. You don't just get over something like that. I, too, have never told my mother what happened. And my relationship with my biological father is strained, at best, because of all that happened to me. (He knew) Just know that you are helping others by posting this and hopefully someone will not want to keep quiet any longer about something they are going through.
Bad enough that you had to live through it once, but to have it dismissed with a "Get over it"... It's being victimized all over again. But no matter what the response from your sisters, and no matter what you may have believed when it was happening I hope you know now that you do matter, and that your pain is just a valid, your story just as valid as any story. It matters to you, and it should matter to those who claim to love you. Including your dad. I don't want to offer unsolicited advice here, but I think if I were in your position I'd tell him the story. As someone already said, in the worst case you'll find out he's just like you thought. In the best case, you'll find the support you should always have had, and perhaps he'll find some peace in at least knowing the reasons for all that happened -- and didn't happen -- over all those years.
Whatever you decide, I'm glad you brought your story here. I hope it helped you in some way, and I know it's helped another. Perhaps more than you know, or perhaps you do know. Because for every one who speaks out, there are hundreds with the same story. Hundreds who feel just like you. Hundreds who need to know that they matter.
And whatever you do going forward, I hope you do it with a more peaceful heart.
the results of abuse are so tragic in that they often times hurt those who had nothing to do with the abuse... i am sorry for your loss of time with your mom, for your sister's misguided advice. keep taking care of you.
Oh my. You have all touched me deeply with your supportive thoughts and good wishes. Thank you - thank you.
It's so awful when those we love don't respond in a loving manner to our stories, isn't it? Almost like another type of abuse, in my opinion.
(((u))) Thank you for sharing your story.
I am so sorry for what you've been through. I want to throw up, just thinking about how you were dismissed. I'm just so sorry.
You are so brave and so strong.
Thank You for sharing your story! I know SO many people out there are dealing with the exact same feelings. I hope that at least one of them will read this and realize they aren't alone in their pain. It takes a BRAVE person to share something like this. =)
Thank you for sharing your story - you have emerged a better and stronger person now due to your own efforts and help with therapy. I am so sad that your sisters reacted the way they did - these perpetrators seem to sense that if you ever did tell the story your family would either not believe you or blame you.
As a survivor eventually you learn you were not to blame and shame on your family if they are not hurt, shocked, and totally ready to hold you as close as possible. I'm thankful you have your close friend who gave you the support you needed, even though it was a hard story for you to tell. Maybe this story will save more than one person from that abyss. Bless you and though it's in writing, give yourself the biggest hug from me - you deserve it.
I am so sorry- thanks for sharing.
I can understand how hard it is to tell people for fear of their reaction and how awful it must be to get that disappointing reaction.
My grandfather abused me as a very small girl and it only stopped because he died. But what I experienced was nothing in comparison to what my mother and aunt went through with him for really their entire childhood through college.
They both somehow blocked all of it out (the reason that it was possible for it to then happen to me too) until my aunt's son was abused by his babysitter when he was two. Then I started feeling like something had happened to me (I've never had true memories - just feelings and impressions). Then my aunt started having memories (some that involved me), and then my mother did too.
My aunt and my mother couldn't be more different about how they viewed telling the family. And to make a long story short (and get to my point!) my aunt wanted to tell everyone right away. She may have come on a little strong since no one wanted to hear that Uncle Joe was a psychopath - but either way, she didn't get the support that she needed. There was a family rift. And it will never be made right.
It's sad. And I'm definitely caught in the middle. But luckily, it's not in the middle of my mother and my aunt. They have always supported each other. I'm so sorry that you didn't have that. You deserved that and you still do. I really hope that your family begins to realize that. Even if it's just one person.
But no matter what - you are so, so brave to write this now and to tell your story. It's truly inspiring.
RT @screweduptexan @MaggieDammit: Pls support today's survivor, who didn't spk out til she was in her 40s: http://violenceunsilenced.com/km/
Don't listen to your sisters. Your dad should know what happened, and how he reacts is on him, not you. Do you want to miss the chance to find some closure by having him say what you need to hear? The worst that can happen is he turns out to be exactly the person you already thought he was. If he is, he deserves to hurt. If he isn't, he will care more for your pain than his own. Of course it will hurt him, it would hurt you if your child had to tell you that. But that's not the important thing at this point. And knowing why you acted the way you did might bring him more comfort than pain.
It did with my parents. Although the person wasn't a friend of theirs, or even someone who was really a part of our life. But 25 years later, it was still more relief for all of us than otherwise, I think. I only told my parents and a couple of my 9 siblings; the rest don't really need to know. And I know my mom hurts because she couldn't protect me, and because she made things worse without meaning to. But I feel closer to her even so. And as for my Dad, I was never able to get close to him before. Now I feel our bond growing stronger all the time. And I know he's glad to know that it wasn't him who drove us apart. We can't get back lost time, but that doesn't mean we have to lose more.
I am sending you the best of wishes.
RT @Neilochka RT @MaggieDammit: Please support today's survivor, who spoke out in her 40s: http://violenceunsilenced.com/km/
RT @MaggieDammit: Please support today's survivor, who didn't speak out until she was in her 40s: http://violenceunsilenced.com/km/
RT @MaggieDammit: Please support today's survivor, who didn't speak out until she was in her 40s: http://violenceunsilenced.com/km/
RT @MaggieDammit: Please support today's survivor, who didn't speak out until she was in her 40s: http://violenceunsilenced.com/km/
RT @MaggieDammit: Please support today's survivor, who didn't speak out until she was in her 40s: http://violenceunsilenced.com/km/
RT @MaggieDammit: Please support today's survivor, who didn't speak out until she was in her 40s: http://violenceunsilenced.com/km/
Please support today's survivor, who didn't speak out until she was in her 40s: http://violenceunsilenced.com/km/
i can only add that i am sorry about your 2 sisters, luckily you have a bunch of "sisters' (and brothers) here who are shocked and angered for you. We also send you love.
as for your dad being hurt? of course he wll be hurt, but hopefully he will be hurt that he didn't get a chance to KILL that bastard!!! (and least I will keep my fingers crossed that would be his reaction)
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know hearing it will help other women who have been silent for too long to have strength and faith and belief in themselves. I am so sorry that you endured what you did, and that you suffered alone for so long before sharing your burden with others. May it be lighter now that it has been shared, and may the telling bring you more peace.
I'm sorry that your sisters did not react in a way that was helpful or loving to you.
However, you are a strong woman and over the years, you instinctively did what made you feel safe.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
You have helped someone else by doing so.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are a strong, brave person. I am truly sorry for what you went through.
I think you are strong & brave & I sincerely hope you do not beat yourself up for choices made in the past. Surviving abuse is a tough road... be proud of yourself for where you are now & for all the hard work you've put in to get here. I'm proud of you.
I'm sorry your two sisters blew off your pain. I know it's hard for others to understand how something from "so long ago" can continue to affect you so profoundly, but for what it's worth, I DO understand because I've lived through abuse & continue to heal from it.
Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I nodded in agreement at several parts because what you wrote matched my own experience and it was edifying to know others have felt the same things I have. Thanks for that.
Warm (((hugs))).
Your parents had choices, too, so it makes me really sad that even now you seem to be carrying the burden of your estrangement on your shoulders. I am sorry that you did not get the reaction and support you needed from your family, too. I know well how much more devastating that can make the initial abuses. I will think of you and send you thoughts of strength and healing, too.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry that you've had to bear this pain for this long - and for everything it cost you. You are a brave and special woman.
Yours is the kind of story that angers me not only for the abuse you endured (which is wrong on so many levels to start with) but because of the other things it cost you: security, self-esteem, peace of mind, and a good relationship with your family.
It is easy once the abuse stops (whether it be sexual, physical or emotional or a combination thereof) to push all of those horrid memories waaaaaay down and never speak of them. What most of us fail to realize is the impact it has on us anyway, strengthened by our inability or refusal to deal with it once and for all. I’m so sorry that this experience robbed you of so much.
Thank you for sharing. I hope it is cathartic for you to open up. I know it will be helpful to someone else, perhaps someone who hasn’t yet stared down that demon and been able to walk away stronger.
Thank you for sharing this. You are a very brave and strong woman.
I'm sorry your sisters dismissed it so out-of-hand. I suppose it changes their view of their lives and yours and it's easier for it never have happened than accept it. You're very strong and very brave, and it seems to me you've triumphed over what that devil did to you.
I am so sorry your sisters didn't react kindly...at all. It makes my heart hurt to think that they just don't care...I honestly believe they may just not want to feel that hurt and pain. And your reality is too much for them.
You are amazing for sharing your story. I know your words have helped.
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