Wednesday Q&A: How Can I Help My Kids Avoid Abuse?
QUESTION:
After reading last week’s question [from a mother struggling to help her daughter cope with an abusive relationship], I started thinking about my own children, and I started feeling anxious. I have two daughters, 10 and 13. My oldest daughter is definitely interested in dating, although we don’t allow her yet. I have read the statistics and I know that if something bad happens to them, it most likely will happen at the hands of someone they know. I want to send them out into the world as safe as possible. Is there anything I can do now, as their parent, to keep them from being abused when they grow up?
ANSWER:
Thank you for this question! A crucial part of ending domestic abuse and sexual assault is through sustained prevention efforts starting when kids are young.
According to recent national studies, alarming numbers of teens and tweens experience dating violence themselves or witness it among friends. Yet less than 25% of teens say they’ve discussed dating violence with their parents. It’s critical that adults become more involved in this part of our children’s lives.
Unfortunately, there is no guaranteed protection against abuse. However, we can reduce our children’s risk of being abused by teaching them to recognize the warning signs, and by helping them learn to respect their own personal boundaries and the boundaries of others.
As a parent (or any adult who participates in the life of a child, as a teacher, relative, neighbor or friend), you are in a powerful position to influence your child’s future choices about relationships.
Here are a few things you can do:
Model healthy relationships. How do you interact with other adults in your child’s life? Your actions and choices heavily influence your child’s expectations about what relationships should look like. Actively model positive conflict resolution, how to negotiate decisions in a respectful way, and how to respect other people’s needs and feelings.
Talk about gender equity. Kids today are still inundated with messages about what it means to be a girl and what it means to be a boy. Ask them to talk about how these messages affect their choices, how they see themselves and others, and how they think about their place in the world. Communicate to them regularly, through conversation as well as your own actions, that no one is inferior or less valuable as a result of their gender, and that no one deserves more power and control as a result of their gender.
Talk about relationships. What are signs of healthy relationships? What are signs of unhealthy relationships? What are fair expectations between partners? What expectations and behaviors cross the line? What can they do to help a friend who might be experiencing an abusive dating relationship?
Talk about their relationships. When your daughters start dating, invite their partners to spend time at your house with your family. Check in with your daughters about their relationships, in open, nonjudgmental ways: What do they enjoy doing together? Do they ever feel frustrated? What makes them happy? Help them put words to what makes them feel happy, vs. what makes them feel unhappy or unsafe.
Consider everything a “teaching moment.” These messages shouldn’t be add-ons to regular family life — instead, find ways to weave them into everyday situations. Point out examples of positive conflict resolution, healthy (or unhealthy) relationships, respect, equality, feeling safe, etc. When these issues appear in the current events that capture your kids’ attention — such as when Chris Brown and Rihanna made headlines — ask for your kids’ opinions and talk about how these issues affect their lives.
Explore your resources. The following websites offer helpful information and interactive tools for parents, kids and teens:
And remember! It’s important to do this work with girls AND with boys. Encourage your friends to have these conversations with their sons and daughters, too.
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Each Wednesday we feature a Q&A with an expert. This column is not legal advice, nor is it intended to take the place of legal advice, professional counseling, crisis intervention, or safety planning. For legal or emotional support or for safety planning specific to your situation, please access help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline, the National Sexual Assault Hotline, or from a domestic violence or sexual assault agency near you. This column is intended for educational purposes only.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
Wednesday Q&A: Should I pressure my loved one to leave?
Question:
My oldest daughter is in an abusive marriage. I am extremely worried about her safety, as well as the well-being of my 3-year-old grandson. My daughter’s husband is physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive, and I know my daughter is afraid of him. (Luckily, I live in the same town, and so I probably am aware of the problem more so than if I lived far away.) My younger daughter has been pressuring her sister to leave her husband immediately. We are all terrified of what might happen if she stays — but, the more my younger daughter puts pressure on her sister, the more her sister pulls away from our family. As their mom, I feel completely torn and not sure what to do — my younger daughter is about to wash her hands of her older sister, saying that if she isn’t willing to help herself, there is nothing we can do. But I know my older daughter needs us, and I worry she feels trapped and unsure of what to do. What is the right answer??
Answer:
I am so glad your oldest daughter has family nearby, people who care about her and are actively concerned for her safety. Your younger daughter’s actions come from an understandable place of worry and concern. Yet you are right to question the wisdom of her tactics. Pressuring someone to “just leave” is never the best option.
Abuse victims spend much of their waking hours being told what to do, and being systematically stripped of their autonomy. As someone who loves her, you can avoid joining in that destructive chorus of “you should’s” and “you need to’s”. Instead, help your daughter regain her own sense of herself. Help her learn to trust her own instincts again. Help her learn to listen to that internal compass we all possess that tells us when we’re heading toward danger or safety.
Encouraging someone to “just leave” can be dangerous. Leaving is hard. Leaving can sometimes feel impossible. Leaving is almost never simple.
Leaving safely requires planning: How and when will she leave? What does she need or want to take with her (prescription medicines, her children’s birth certificates, family photos, etc.)? Where will she live? If the car is in his name, how will she get to work? What will happen to the family dog?
Leaving safely requires resources: Does she have friends or family who can help her find temporary housing? Does she have the education or training necessary to find a job that can support her family? Does she have a bank account or credit cards that are solely in her name? If he fights for custody, can she afford a lawyer?
Leaving safely requires courage: What if he promises to change? What if her self-esteem has been so eroded by the abuse that she has a difficult time believing in herself? What if he threatens her safety or their children if she leaves him?
These are just a handful of the questions she will need to consider in order to leave in a way that is safe. “Safe” is the most important word. National statistics show that women are six times more likely to be killed by their abusers when they attempt to leave, than at any other time. When children are involved, the picture can become even more complicated — courts still routinely grant shared custody even when one parent has a record of domestic abuse. As a result, many victims stay in abusive relationships out of a desire to protect their children from being alone with the abuser.
You are right not to encourage your daughter to “just leave.” But there are steps you can take to help her increase her safety.
First, you can help your younger daughter understand the dynamics that might be influencing her older sister’s reticence to leave, so that she can channel her concern into more supportive behaviors. Here are two helpful places to start: Why She Sometimes Stays (PDF) from StopViolence.com and Why She Stays from the House of Ruth.
Second, you can help your oldest daughter understand the various tools available to help her increase her own safety and the safety of her son. You can let her know that while leaving is one option, you want her to make that decision if and when she feels ready to do so. You can help her come up with ways of increasing her safety at home, during a violent incident, and in the event she decides to leave. A very common safety plan that address all of these issues can be found here. Safety planning tips for victims who currently live with their abusers can be found here. Additional tips can be found here.
Isolation is one of the most powerful and effective tactics abusers use to control their victims. Too many victims are abandoned by family and friends who don’t or can’t understand the scary and difficult environment that defines their everyday existence. Maintaining a relationship with your oldest daughter that is grounded in unconditional love, understanding and respect is critically important to her well-being (and possibly her survival). Let her know that you love her, that you believe in her, that she can count on you to be an unconditional ally and listener, and that you will support her choices to maximize her safety in whatever form those choices take — even if, for the time being, that doesn’t include the decision to leave.
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Each Wednesday we feature a Q&A with an expert. This column is not legal advice, nor is it intended to take the place of legal advice, professional counseling, crisis intervention, or safety planning. For legal or emotional support or for safety planning specific to your situation, please access help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline or from a domestic violence agency near you. This column is intended for educational purposes only.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to carrie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
Wednesday Q&A: Is it rape if I was drunk?
[EDITOR'S NOTE: ALTHOUGH THE INFORMATION IN THIS POST IS GOOD, THE POST ITSELF IS OUTDATED. IT WAS PUBLISHED IN JULY 2009. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL ABOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT PLEASE CONTACT RAINN'S AT 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).]
Q: Someone had sex with me when I didn’t want to, when I didn’t even know it was going to happen. I was drunk, and I assume he was too. I can’t remember much except that I woke up to find him doing it, and it hurt (and it was my first time.) If I had been sober I would probably call it rape, but … could he have really known what he was doing, since he was drunk too? My friends say it’s rape but I feel responsible. Is it rape?
A: I will try to be as definitive as possible: Rape is any act of sexual intercourse that is non-consensual. It doesn’t matter if someone is drunk. It doesn’t matter if you know them. It doesn’t matter if you enjoy their company. It doesn’t matter if you invited them in. It doesn’t matter if you would have said “yes” under different, consensual circumstances.
It sounds like you’re asking whether the perpetrator in this scenario should be held accountable for his actions if he was intoxicated. He may not have had as much to drink. He may have. We don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I will say it again, because it bears repeating. Rape is any act of sexual intercourse that is non-consensual. Period.
I spoke with a legal expert to help address this. It’s a sensitive question, but it’s an important one. Multiple studies have found that alcohol and other drugs are used in the vast majority of date and acquaintance rapes. It’s very important that we take these crimes seriously, and that we hold perpetrators accountable for their behavior.
But we’re treading on legal ground here, so I turned to Jenny W., a legal expert who specializes in domestic abuse and sexual assault cases. “My gut reaction,” says Jenny, “is that if a woman perceives or feels she has been raped or assaulted, then she has.”
Legally speaking, each state has its own statute that defines, in often very specific language, the types of actions that qualify as sexual assault. These statutes distinguish varying degrees of sexual assault, each with its own measures for what must be proven, and a range of penalties if and when a perpetrator is found guilty.
So, all of that background information leads us to this, which gets at the heart of the question. Says our legal expert: “If a perpetrator is intoxicated, it could be argued [by the perpetrator’s attorney] that the assault deserves a lesser charge. But intoxication in its own right does not excuse the conduct under the law.”
Phrased another way, from the Wisconsin Coalition Against Sexual Assault: “Being under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs is not an excuse for perpetrating sexual violence. It does not give someone a right to hurt other people.”
Many perpetrators of date or acquaintance rape use drugs and alcohol as tools in their assaults – in fact, alcohol is the number-one date rape drug used in the United States. However, regardless of whether the victim was intoxicated, regardless of what she was wearing or where she was or whether she fought back or whether she knew her attacker – the perpetrator’s actions are not her fault. We cannot blame the victim. And we must hold perpetrators accountable for their actions.
Some alarming facts about date/acquaintance rape, particularly on college campuses and among young adults:
- According to Harvard University, 1 in every 20 female college students is sexually assaulted each school year; 72% of those women are raped while they are too intoxicated to give consent.
- A national study of sexual assault on college campuses found that 75% of male students and 55% of female students involved in date rape had been drinking or using drugs at the time.
- The same study found that an alarming 84% of men whose actions matched the legal definition of rape said that what they did was definitely not rape.
Many online resources can help you learn how to reduce your risk of being drugged and sexually assaulted, the warning signs to watch for, and what to do if you suspect this has happened to someone you know. This online checklist is a good place to start.
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Each Wednesday we feature a Q&A with an expert. This column is not legal advice, nor is it intended to take the place of legal advice, professional counseling, crisis intervention, or safety planning. For legal or emotional support or for safety planning specific to your situation, please access help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline or from a domestic violence agency near you. This column is intended for educational purposes only.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
Wednesday Q&A: Is this abuse?
Each Wednesday we feature a Q&A with an expert. This column is not legal advice, nor is it intended to take the place of legal advice, professional counseling, crisis intervention, or safety planning. For legal or emotional support or for safety planning specific to your situation, please access help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline or from a domestic violence agency near you. This column is intended for educational purposes only.
Please exercise the same safe, supportive, non-judgmental restraint in the comment section of the Q&A as you do for survivors, as many of them are reading.
Our volunteer expert, Carrie K., is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
If you have something you have always wanted to know about domestic violence and/or sexual assault, please email your question to maggie [at] violenceunsilenced [dot] com.
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QUESTION:
Is years of hearing a spouse telling you that you have a lover (when you don’t), that you hate them (him telling me I hate him), and never saying anything nice about me — to me or to anyone — a form of abuse?
I have been with my husband of 17 years, and cant remember ever feeling happy around him. I have always been on edge around him afraid to speak my mind for what he will say in return. He has always made comments that he thinks I have a boyfriend. That I only dress nice (for family events or funerals) to impress the guys. He has never told me he thought I was pretty, or even looked nice.
I have no reason to want sex with him anymore because he makes it out to be a chore, not romance. I cant even remember the last time I wanted to have sex with him except for the reason of just to get it out of the way for the month, week, or what ever the occasion may have been. I just know how my mother felt when my father used to hurt her; I don’t get hit, but some days wish he would hit me; maybe then I would have a real reason to leave him. Or kick him out.
Am I wrong for asking these questions? Am I being selfish for wanting to feel happy and hear a man tell me I look nice? Is being put down for years a form of abuse?
Sometimes I think if I have a bruise to prove how I feel then someone would believe me!
ANSWER:
Thank you for raising these very important questions. You are absolutely not wrong for asking them.
The short answer is this: Domestic violence can be emotional, physical, psychological and/or sexual. While many abusers use some combination of these forms of violence, sometimes abuse doesn’t involve physical violence at all.
We hear similar questions a lot on our Crisis Line, from people who are experiencing something in their relationship that doesn’t feel right, that feels cruel and controlling, yet isn’t physical. Sometimes they wonder whether this counts as “abuse”, or whether it’s not as damaging or problematic as being punched or kicked.
The truth is, emotional abuse can be even more devastating than physical violence. Ongoing emotional abuse can erode your self-esteem and confidence in ways physical abuse often can’t. Emotional abuse leaves no scars, so victims often feel even more alone and isolated, with no outward proof (like a broken arm or a black eye) of what is happening to them. And while physical abuse can be overt and simple to identify (i.e. “He hit me in the jaw”), emotional abuse can often feel more difficult to label, or put a finger on. This means many people who experience emotional abuse often do so in silence and confusion, with no one ever knowing what they’re going through, or believing them when they try to ask for help.
I am so glad you reached out and asked for help.
Here is a list of some common warning signs of emotional abuse:
- Dictating your behavior, privileges and/or opinions.
- Accusing you of flirting or having sexual relationships with other people.
- Monitoring and/or criticizing your clothing, make-up, weight, and physical appearance.
- Constantly asking where you are going, who you’re with, etc.
- Insisting that you spend all or most of your time together, isolating you from family and friends.
- Becoming angry or taking offense when you have a different opinion than he/she does or when you don’t take his/her advice.
- Demonstrating ownership and possessiveness over you (“I can’t live without you,” “You are my whole world,” etc.).
- Displaying anger, jealousy, and/or frustration easily; acting ‘hurt’ when not getting his/her way; getting very upset at small inconveniences.
This list is just a short sample. Turning Point Services offers a more comprehensive list of warning signs and another helpful list can be found here.
You know your situation best. If you see your relationship reflected in any of the warning signs included in these lists, please consider talking with someone. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE. A trained counselor can talk with you about your specific situation and connect you to other resources that can be of help.
We encourage people to trust their instincts when their partner does something that “just feels wrong”, or raises a red flag, or makes them feel small, silenced, unsafe, or alone. I am so glad you listened to that little voice that keeps saying, “Something here isn’t right.”
I am sure others who are reading this may have their own words of comfort, assurance and advice on this issue. It is something so many women (and men) have been through. You are not alone. No one deserves to feel ridiculed, berated and fearful. It is not selfish or wrong to expect your partner to treat you with kindness, trust and respect.
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Carrie K. is a trained advocate who has worked with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault, as well as their families and friends. Her background includes hotline advocacy, community education, and awareness and prevention programming around issues of domestic violence. She currently works for a domestic violence intervention and prevention program in Wisconsin. She blogs at rageisgood.blogspot.com
