I-ris
How do you answer when people ask, “Was it just emotional abuse?” I don’t even know what the fuck to say to them. They obviously don’t know anything about domestic violence. I know they need to be educated, but how do you teach an alien language to someone?
I want to say, “I don’t know…
When he drugged me and raped me–
When he hit the baby on her head for crying—
When he disappeared—
When he told me loved me then called me fat and said he didn’t want to compliment me because it would make it seem like the way I was was okay–
When I so desperately wanted to leave and he held a gun to his head and said he couldn’t live without me—
When my four year old asked, “Daddy why do you always make mommy cry?”–
When he cheated on me, but wanted to kill me because I found someone who showered me with compliments and affection, and built up my broken spirit and heart–
When I wouldn’t fight with him in front of our kids and said we should go for a drive, and he went 90 miles per hour down that winding dirt road and told me he didn’t care if we both died if he couldn’t have me—
When I finally got the courage to leave and he made two huge cuts in the front of his body to remind him that I tore out his guts and broke his heart and my teenaged daughter started cutting herself—
When he told me, “If I hit you once, I might as well not stop for as much trouble as I’ll get into”–
When he called me in the middle of the night and said he had all of his guns and had taken my car keys and wanted me to beg him to come back and promise to do anything he wanted–
When he finally filed for divorce and i was yelling for someone to call the police and for him to leave me alone, trying to get away from him and throwing things behind me and he silently went into the house with never so much as an “ow,” and shortly after, when the police arrived and informed me that he had called and reported that i attacked him and his head was bleeding. When no one but him knows to this day what happened to his head, but considering that he has a history of cutting himself and he had no need for stitches or the hospital–
when i got out of jail the next morning and he had emptied our bank account, returned my (leased) car, and was using the No Contact order to keep me out of my home and away from my children—
when he tells my daughters that I abandoned them and they will lose the house because mommy wants all his money–
which ones are JUST emotional abuse?”
This is a poem I wrote and read at a local candlelight vigil against domestic violence.
The Greatest Gift
I spent twenty years with a man who abused me
Our three daughters are as beautiful as can be
Why did I stay? You may want to know
With three kids and no job, where would I go?
The girls seemed okay, it would mess up their lives
No. Women should stay home like good little wives
Besides, I did love him, he provided for us
I thought I could cover up the bad things he does
But one fateful night I went out of control
The years of abuse had taken their toll
I got up the next morning and it was all gone
All the things that had kept me there for so long
My home, all my money, along with my car
I even had to watch my girls from afar
The world around me was so bleak and dark
Til one day it hit me like a beautiful spark
The things he took can all be replaced
But my education, my memories, my love with my girls cannot be erased
If the things that bound me had never been taken
My Higher life would still be forsaken
So now I know it was the greatest gift that he gave me
By taking it all, he actually saved me.
###
Stephanie
In 2009 I was arrested for Assault with Injury-FV in Texas. Instead of going directly to jail, I went to the emergency room for my injuries. Both bones in my left wrist were broken. Curiously, the person I “offended” against, my husband and the father of my child, stayed home. I listed my daughter’s nearest family guardian over and over again to police and paramedics for no good reason because no one had any intent to arrest my husband, the man who had broken my arm. He won. The 911 lottery is really simple. First caller wins in family violence in Texas. I suppose it seemed fine to my arresting officers to leave a man capable of the kind of injuries I received solely in charge of our two-year-old child in the middle of the night and in a rage about me …or no one in their right mind would have done that. Would they? They did.
I told the truth. I assumed we both would. I did hit my husband first. Not well and not hard enough, but I did hit him. He came back at me so hard that I needed an ambulance. His actions were far above any imagination of self defense. Since he had taken my phone due to a jealous domestic verbal assault earlier, I was unable to call 911. He was only able to call 911 after I crawled to the door screaming to the neighbors for help. He dragged me by my pants away from the door and as my arm kept changing color and shape he was finally motivated by fear to call for my rescue.
I was rescued, I thought. No one told me that I was going to jail until I was discharged from the ER. No one cared that this was the second time he’d hurt me. No one offered me any information in the hospital about any domestic violence resources. In fact, when they were informed that I was just another prisoner they became physically rougher with me and emotionally cold. Then the officers handcuffed my good arm to my belt loop and off I went to the county jail with a weak prescription for Vicodin that no one bothered to allow me to have. I got out 17 hours later in tremendous pain with my arm about to swell out of the rudimentary stint I had on. I was only allowed one ice bag that lasted less than two hours. I was still breastfeeding at the time so I had to express milk by one hand all over me since no one was allowed to bring me a breast pump. I got out in mostly one piece and my mother dropped me off to go back with my husband.
What happened?
What would have happened to other women in my situation?
What if my husband had killed our daughter that night? What if he lay in wait for my return from custody to kill me? I am not alone.
I am not the only woman this has happened to. Please help me help other women. The police force in my city does not seem to have a handle on primary aggressor training. Who was really hurt? Who was really scared? Who was the most motivated to lie?
Women will die because of our officer discretion arrest policies. Anyone could have looked at our height and weight alone. Could I, 130 pounds of me, really hurt my 190 pound husband weaponless? Who had more reason to be afraid of who? I was afraid of him so I told everyone the truth about what had happened. My husband was afraid of being arrested so he lied and minimized our story. Who was more motivated to lie? A person who admitted to hitting her husband in the first place, or someone who explained away a compound fracture as a result of a fall?
The police helped minimize my situation in my arrest affidavit by enlarging my husband’s scratch from 1 inch to “six inches and bleeding” and downsizing my badly broken arm that took a titanium plate and seven pins and screws to repair as, “looked dislocated.”
Who deserved to be entered into BIPP counseling? Me apparently, because I was forced to attend it even before I had been convicted of anything. Who could have most benefited from it? Who deserved to have a CPS level two investigation? It seems like the primary aggressor and most powerful offender should have been arrested, counseled and investigated.
My case has been dismissed because I was able to show proof of counseling I had voluntarily attended and paid for. Obviously this situation has left me in great need of counseling.
I’m alive and well, though. I just fear that many other women could be swallowed up in this mess and never fight it, if they did live to fight it.
More than two years ago I survived this. My marriage has been free of physical violence since that day. I’m not typical. But, I am proof that people occasionally do change and that some relationships can survive and overcome violence. Even though this event wasn’t the first time I was injured by my husband, it was the last.
I wanted to share this with you all so that you might take the time to learn the laws in your state and city in regards to domestic or family violence. Every state has different laws on the books, and what happened to me could happen to you. Of course if you are being abused you need to ask for help, but all of us educating ourselves on our local laws is really important too. My message is not to stop abused women from speaking out or leaving. My message is to work for greater awareness and education in your particular state. In my case in my state the system made things so much worse. The assessment of primary aggressor statutes is misunderstood and miscarried in large part due to a total lack of training.
This is of great concern to all of us. Unfortunately the way I learned about it was very hard. Maybe, by sharing this, I can help someone avoid what I went through.
Above all, stay safe. Being in jail is better than being dead. I just want you to make an informed decision on what will keep you and your family the safest.
###
Forgotten
You shoved a glass-topped coffee table into the back of my knees and left bruises so dark and sore that I could barely walk for days.
You threw things at me. Shoes, glasses, books, an entertainment stand.
You called me as many vulgar names as you could think of. Often times, whispering them at me under your breath when you didn’t want other people to hear them.
You shoved me down on top of one of my infant children.
You slapped me across the face.
You shoved me down in gravel so hard that I had to have it picked out of my back, elbows, and the back of my skull.
You fractured my wrist and I had to wear a brace on it while trying to breastfeed my daughter.
You grabbed me by the wrist that you had just fractured and shook me so hard it made my vision blurry.
You drove me and my three kids up an embankment after almost driving us over the other side of the hill in anger trying to hurt me.
You screamed in my face at the top of your lungs.
You abused me.
You made me cry.
I divorced your godforsaken ass and there’s no way in hell I’ll ever go back.
And I took the kids with me so you couldn’t hurt them, too.
*Separated since August 27, 2009. Divorced since December 13, 2010. I’m still strong and getting stronger.
###
Forgotten blogs at Fairy Tale Forgotten, and tweets as @TwinsMa.
Cat
This may be too long. This is the first time I’ve said any of this except to the police and I had to write it out and not look at them. My closest friends know bits and pieces, but I think this will help me heal.
I moved out when I was 16 and always considered myself intelligent, independent, and strong. I married my ex-husband, and we had a fairly normal marriage and divorce. We have 3 beautiful kids. They now live with him and he and his new wife hate me. Why? Well there are many reasons, some my fault, some not. I’m by no means perfect.
But this is where the problem began and continues. After being divorced and having a healthy relationship with my ex, I met a man. A man who swept me off my feet and was all the things my ex-husband wasn’t. The kids liked him and they actually saw him more than their own father for awhile. Not by their dad’s choosing per se…. just normal everyday circumstances.
Then I married Michael [last name removed per VU policy]. I am telling his name because I am not the only victim. He is in jail and will be for a long time, but he has a long list of women he abused.
