It has been over three months now since I was able to escape from my abuser. The first few years of our marriage began with him being very controlling of every aspect of my life. He controlled what time I got up each morning, what clothes I wore, what color of eye shadow I wore, what time I went to bed, etc. Then he added intimidation and emotional abuse. The physical and sexual abuse started after he moved me over 700 miles from my family. My abuser was with me 24/7. I would usually get beat up about every three weeks in which each physical abusive episode would last for one day or night. After that it was usually another 3 weeks before the next episode would take place.But the last abusive episode which consisted of mental, emotion, sexual and physical abuse lasted for a total of four days and nights in a row. In the past when our dog would try to bite him to protect me, he would take her and throw her into another room but the last time he hit our dog. He also made two attempts to kill me. He stopped each time telling me that if he knew he could get away with it without having to spend any time in jail he would have killed me. During that four day period immediately after one of the beating, he forced me to perform oral sex on him. He pulled my hair and made me look at him while he told me to moan and groan like I was enjoying it. Another beating was because I would not give him names of anyone I had a relationship with years before I even meet him. He wanted their names so he could hunt them down and kill them. The last night I was beaten because he accused me of loving my ex-husband(who was also abusive) prior to him more than I loved him. He told me that if I thought my ex was bad, that he would make him look like and angel when he was through with me. Two of the other days I had to have sex with him after he beat me. Not only was I supposed to have sex with him, but I was to show him lots of love and passion.
Some of the things I would get beat up for are as follows: (1) Not kissing him with enough passion. (2) Walking behind him in a store. (3) Not wearing the correct color of eye shadow. (4) Not flirting with him. (5) Not making sexual advances towards him. (5) Not asking him to perform oral sex on me. (6) If I didn't respond quickly enough to a comment he made or a question that he asked me. (7) I was beat up on Valentine’s Day because I forgot to remind him to take his Cialis. The list goes on and on. Sometimes when he would get angry at me he would tear up pictures of us or destroy my personal belongings. While beating me up he would punch me repeatedly as hard as he could in my thigh area and buttocks. My abuser would drag me off the couch and onto the floor where he would then kick me in my ribs and back. I was pushed and pulled around like a ragdoll. According to him I did not have the right to say no to sex. It was something he expected every night without fail. He said that was his way of feeling a connection and bonding with me.
Thank God he allowed me to go to a support group meeting for spouses of veterans with PTSD. When the counselor saw all of the bruises that covered my body and heard my story of what had happened she told me his abuse is escalating out of control and if I went back home I would surely end up dead. She also told me that his cruelty and inhuman treatment towards me was not PTSD, that it went much deeper and darker than that. That is when I had to face the cold hard facts of what she was telling me was true and no matter how many times he promised to change, the abuse would continue.
That is when I had to take a leap of faith and begin a journey into the unknown. I left my car, cell phone he was tracking me with and my former life behind and went into a safe house and into hiding. I am still in hiding as I write this. I go to three different counselors in the attempt to repair some of the damage that has been done. I have had to go to court three times since I left him. Each court visit consist of car swaps to make sure I am not followed when I leave the court house and a police escort into and out of the court house. I feel like I am living in a Lifetime movie. My abuser is facing criminal charges for aggravated assault. His attorney keeps delaying things. I have heard this is a normal tactic in domestic violence cases because usually the victim gets tired of the judicial wheels of justice turning so slowly and the victim ends up giving up and tries to go on with their life. I am going to hang in there and try to make sure that justice is served. But, I have also prepared myself for the fact that they might try to get away with some kind of plea bargain.
Regardless of how it turns out, I got away from him with my life. After the legal issues are completed I will have to change my name and social security number. A few weeks ago my attorney received a letter from his attorney informing me of his desire to try to save our marriage if possible. The letter also stated that he is going to anger management classes and counseling. I have been there, done that with him and nothing ever changed. My response was that I could not put myself back into an unsafe place to where I might be killed by the very hands that I am suppose to feel safe and secure in, so there would be no chance of reconciliation.