Julia

I am suffering from bad flashbacks of abuse as of late. The most prevalent flashback? Having my head bashed against the floor repeatedly until I was unconscious.I was left lying in the hallway. My mother was downstairs in the kitchen and did NOTHING to stop it. She said--how can I ever forget?!--'You guys fight it out.' I screamed for Catherine to stop, I begged for someone to help me, but nobody did. I ended up crawling into my bedroom and falling unconscious again for almost two days. I vomited repeatedly and blood came out of one ear. I know now that I probably had a mild concussion. Nobody called an ambulance, checked on me, or helped me. I remember hearing activity going on in the house through the haze of my pain and fading awareness, as if nothing had happened. My mother did nothing to protect me.

I now know years after the fact that Catherine said she hoped I was dead. She said that to my little sister, who was worried that Catherine had killed me. My little sister was around 7 or 8. I never called the police afterwards; I feared that nobody would listen to me or that I would be hurt more in retaliation. And, this is only one incident of many.

I ended up attempting suicide soon after... and that's a whole other story in itself. The end result was being given up to the state/made a 'ward of the court'. I was ‘in the system’ for almost 4 years. This included an abusive foster home where I was fed one meal of 'shit on a shingle' a day and locked in my bedroom at night. I called my ‘guardian’ ad litem and asked her to get me out of there. I was accused of lying that I had been ‘sexually abused’ at this foster home. By whom, I don’t recall. I never said anything like that! I then ended up living with my uncle and aunt. He put plastic on my bed since he 'knew I was a bed wetter' (I was 16 at the time), and tried to send me off for the summer by throwing a paper bag full of camp brochures in front of me and saying 'here- fill up your summer; we don't want you here.' He got rid of me by telling the judge that they were afraid I would 'kill their dog' and that they locked their bedroom door at night. I'll never forget that, either. I ended up in a 'treatment center for girls' after that, and was kept until I was 18. Drugged, sent to 'group therapy', forced to pray, told that I was crazy and worthless. I then returned home at 18- I had nowhere else to go- so, I had to act like none of this ever happened. The things I have done to survive... the dignity I have sacrificed... the lies I have bought and sold.

Catherine is now a doctor- how did she swear the Hippocratic oath with a straight face? My little sister is an alcoholic and a cutter, and has relationships with creepy military-type guys. She has a degree in social work, which she may or may not ever use. But, hey- at least she has one. It’s more than I have. My mother is retired and has remarried some asshole who I hope to never meet. How nice that they have successful vocations; successful and fruitful lives, and I can barely live day-to-day life. They ruined me; ruined my life- and they don't care or have to suffer any consequences for it. They get to exist as humans, and I am forever broken. Erased. How do I end this pain without ending myself? I burn with a desire for revenge- for retribution that will never come.