Pam
I got married at eighteen and stayed for 23 years. I wanted that fairy tale, and I thought I had it all. I had a great guy I thought loved me more than anything, but what he really wanted was someone he could control.
It started out slowly at first. I couldn’t hang out with my friends or family anymore, but I thought it was because he just wanted to spend all his time with me. It never occurred to me what was going on because he wasn’t physically abusing me yet.
I was lonely. Yes, I had my job, and I had him, but after a while I had no friends or family that I felt like I could tell what was going on. So I made the decision to become a mom. I wanted a baby so badly and I thought he did too, but was I ever wrong.
After the birth of my first son my husband disappeared. I hardly ever saw him, but when I did, he wanted only one thing — and four months later I was pregnant again. I was in shock. What was I going to do? I had to quit my job after having my second son — it would have cost too much to pay for a babysitter for two babies.
That’s when it started. No matter what I did, it was wrong. If I said the sky was blue, it was black. Then came the yelling and the pushing, which escalated into hitting — but he was smart. He knew where to hurt me so that no one could see the bruises — who was going to believe me? I was so alone.
He started drinking and it got worse and worse. The abuse was so bad I thought he was going to kill me. There were guns and knives involved and threats – he swore if I ever told, he would hurt me worse. I was so scared. But after a beating he was always sorry, and I always forgave him. It would take a book to write down all the situations of abuse I went through, and maybe someday I will do just that.
The last straw for me was in 2002. I was in a horrendous car accident where the other driver, my neighbor, was killed. We were really good friends with him and his family. I truly believe my husband blamed me. He called me a murderer and it stuck. I felt like I had killed someone even though I was so hurt myself, having surgeries left and right, and he still hit, pushed and verbally abused me. By this time my boys were old enough to step in — and that they did. They are good, strong boys, very protective of their mom, and they had had enough! My husband shoved a phone in my chest, where my sternum was already broken from the accident – this landed me back in the hospital. I really could have died that day because the doctors said my sternum was sitting wrong and had he hit me any harder it would have punctured my heart.
While I was in the hospital for that one, they had him move out. I saw him only once after that and that was the day of the divorce. He has called a few times threatening me still, but my sons have told him, “Do it again and it won’t be pretty.” He is scared of them.
I could go on all day but more than anything I have to say if you’re going through anything like this get out while you can. There are many times when I could have died. I was lucky, and because of my boys I am who I am today. We are so close. They saved my life. I am a survivor!
I have a cousin who was not so lucky; she was killed last year. So many people at her funeral told me, “That could have been you.” Remember: it could be you, too. Get help, and get out.
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Pam blogs at Aunt Pam’s Closet.
